Story Time with Papa Dweeb
Desperate HousewivesMany years ago there was a certain group of married ladies that frequented the show (without their husbands of course!) I just happened to slip a small piece of paper into one of the ladies' coat pocket when she wasn't looking. On the paper was a name and and a phone number. Now the name wasn't important but the number had some significance. Of course I had totally forgotten my deed. That was until the Desperate Housewives attended another show. The one lady was telling how her very insecure husband had found a piece of paper with a name and phone number in her coat pocket. And he wasn't buying her story that she didn't know a thing about it. He then spent hours on the phone trying to determine the missing area code and was making her life miserable as he was unsuccessful. I could not contain my laughter, so I told her I knew the phone number--because I was the one that put it in her pocket.
The number was: 867-5309
Cumberland's Most Wanted
The Rutabaga Fest in Cumberland, Wisconsin is one of my favorite shows. It's always a great time had by all. Well...with the possible exception of one individual several years ago. I had announced that we were looking for a volunteer to come up and sing a song. A guy approached the stage with a full beer in hand, ready to perform for us all. I had him set his beer down, then I asked his name and introduced him to the audience. He sang a song and not very well, either...But that's okay because I got a huge laugh from the audience, (at his expense of course) when I announced, "You Suck". He was laughing too and as he was leaving the stage I reminded him that he forgot his beer. We then performed another song and as it ended, I noticed our volunteer singer that sucked was now in handcuffs and being escorted to a squad car located right at the side of the stage. I hollered out, "Hey!!!!!!! Where you going?" Of course it was obvious where he was going! So I said,"I told you he sucked! All right--who's next? Who wants to sing real good or go to jail?!"
On our break I talked with a police offiecer and asked him what the story was on our singing friend. The officer said he thought he recognized the guy earlier as someone with an arrest warrant. He approached the guy was shown an ID with a different name than the one on the warrant. So the officer thought he had the wrong guy. But when I asked his name on stage, the guy gave his real name.... not the one on his fake ID!! The officer said B.I.N.G.O. Then there was a welcoming committee waiting for him when he got off the stage. It turns out he was underage for drinking, too.
I have no clue who this individual is. But if you're the guy, and you're not incarcerated during this year's Rutabaga Festival, I'd love to have you join us on stage again. You can sing "Jail House Rock" ....With feeling this time.
I've Got An Announcement!
Over the years I've learned to be more attentive when someone at one of our shows says, "I need to make an announcement". Usually it's someone paging a friend or looking for a lost item, nothing too exciting. But now and then, the announcement is more memorable. One such instance quickly comes to mind...
Time: April 1998
Place: A wedding reception in the Twin Cities Metro area.
Subject: A full-figured best man. His tux jacket was off, with the bow tie hanging around his neck, shirt hanging out and half unbuttoned, and sweat pouring out of his body as he danced up a cheap tap beer-fueled storm.
Event: As the band was leaving the stage to take a break, I was approached by the aforementioned best man, who asked to make an announcement. I happily handed him the microphone. As I started to walk away, I heard him say in a stern voice, "Can I have your attention..."
The room quieted down a little. The best man continued, "Some son of a B----"...The room fell silent as he now had everyone's attention: "Some son-of-a-bitch stole my cummerbund!" He wasn't kidding. The room was very quiet as everyone stood dumbstruck by the thought of:
A) who would've taken this guy's cummerbund, and
2) why was he so upset over a piece of rented clothing?
After an uncomfortable silence, one of his buddies on the dance floor yelled out, "It's probably under your belly, you fat ass!" Everyone watched with hushed anticipation as the best man reached down and lifted his belly to reveal a 6-inch cummerbund squished down like a tiny accordian. He stared at the cummerbund for a moment, then looked up at the audience and said, "Never mind".
Final Thought: Events like this confirm that our format of audience participation can be very entertaining for audience and band members alike. I love to hear someone say, "I've got an announcement". They've got my attention immediately.
Whitey - Motel
1980 - while performing on the road for the first time with the band Wizard
The first morning waking up in a motel room while on the road was very memorable thanks to Tim, the sound tech and Whitey, Gary Reynolds. Whitey was the new drummer as Chaz had left the group to start a new group called Loose Change. I had known Whitey for several years. He had bleached white hair, hence the nickname, and always very up beat and funny. Whitey's at the front door of the motel and has it open just a bit to stick his head out. The motel is on a frontage road and Whitey begins to describe a beautiful woman in her late 20's........ brunette, that's pulling up right next door. It's right then when Whitey hollers out a whoop whoop. I'm pretty sure Whitey didn't realize Tim was standing right behind him. Tim pushed Whitey right out the door and slammed the door shut. Whitey is locked outside. And after just calling attention to himself with the whoop whoop. Whitey is in his underwear pounding on the door, let me in let me in! He had to wake up Kevin two doors down as he pounded on that door in his underwear. Tim and I were still laughing when Whitey called us from Kevin's room.
Now that's bonding with the band.
Terrace Tubes - Kramer VS; Kramer
1980
Greg Fry was the bass player for Wizard and him and I did a few two piece shows together. If Wizard wasn't working, Greg or I would get dates at various venues around town. I didn't know too many people around Somerset but Greg knew everybody and everybody knew Greg. Greg did all the talking to the owner of The Terrace restaurant and booked us on Sunday afternoons outside on the patio.
One Sunday I saw Greg talking to the owner and then Greg approached me. This was standard at any show as I was always singing and because Greg didn't have a microphone, I did all the talking too. Greg tells me we have a request to dedicate the song "Games People Play" to Jerry Kramer from the Minnesota Vikings.
I had no idea who anybody was in any sport. This sounded totally reasonable to me and I also had no idea that Greg would intentionally set me up. I liked to participate in sports but you'd never catch me watching a game of anything on tv.
I had been a Packer fan when I was a kid when they went to the first two Super Bowls. My dad had been a Packer fan since 1957. The year Lambeau Field was built.
As soon as I said Jerry Kramer from the Minnesota Vikings several women seated with the guy all stood up and threw their plastic cups and ice at me as they screamed.... "It's Tommy Kramer Dam IT! Tommy Kramer."
I look to Greg and he is failing in his attempt to contain his laughter just like that dog on the cartoons. It turns out Greg is a huge Packer fan and couldn't resist the opportunity to diss a Viking. Greg also knew I didn't know. Jerry Kramer was a Green bay Packer and made a famously huge play at the end of the Ice Bowl some 15 years prior. I had watched it with my dad when it happened.
Many years later I did get caught up in the hype all 4 times the Vikings went to the Super Bowl. It was their last lost that I swore I would never root them on again.
Nobody Moves Or........ (early 90's
The Knapp House in Knapp, Wi. was the venue for one private holiday party. Only once prior had I seen such an elegant elaborate display of Christmas decorations and that was at Daytons in Minneapolis. The Knapp House had several fully decorated Christmas trees, one filled with Christmas birds. There were dozens and dozens of Christmas lights, figurines and many Christmas bears through out the whole place.
One Christmas bear in particular turns up missing in the middle of the party and management wants me to announce that it's gone, they want it back, and they won't ask any questions. I hate this kind of crap as it's not rehearsed. Plus it just ain't right to steal a Christmas bear.
So I tell everybody and we all just sit there for a moment. Everybody's looking at everybody else. So I figure the best thing now is to get the show moving again and I do so.
It was while on break I had what I thought at the time to be a great idea. I recruited a couple from the party to help act out my little skit. They must of thought it was funny too or they wouldn't have approved and participated.
The band was back on stage and in between songs I had the waitress hand me a blank piece of paper. I then made it appear that I was reading an announcement as I said, "We know who took the Christmas bear."
The room got very quiet as I knew it would. That was the cue for my recruited couple to join in the fun. The guy stands up, points his finger like a gun to the head of the lady next to him and yells "Nobody Moves Or The White Girl Gets It"
Well it seems nobody gets it. Nobody got it. The room was even more quiet now. We played another song and quickly tried to pretend that never happened.
We Can Work It Out (early 90's
The Tac in Amery, Wi. was the venue for a holiday private party. It was while performing the Beatle song, "We Can Work It Out" when the club owner was at my feet motioning for me to stop the music and I do. He then tells me there's someone that needs emergency medical attention and to ask if there is anyone here that can help. I make the announcement and after a brief uncomfortable pause, I figure it's best to get the show going again.
So I announce to the rest of the band " take it from the first bridge"
Dedge hits the sticks together for our 4 count and we come in singing "Life Is Very Short and There's No Time" It wasn't until I got to the word "very" that I realized what we were singing.
Check back for more of Papa's stories in the next edition of PAPA SPEAKS OUT, right here at Dweeb World News!